Since last saturday after 'the talk' i was gloomy and indoors. I have drank so many varieties of knorr soups i ought to get a free year's supply.
My mum was naturally worried and i told her we had broken up and this earned me mileage in my hidden identity.
She (linda) called me on tuesday and we talked for a bit before slumping back to my droopy self. After she hang-up my mind still tormented me as to why was i being so inconsiderate. The weather wasn't doing me any good since it resonated my mood. As i write this it is still cold and grey outside. I haven't left the house for quite a while now and i am thinking of going out tomorrow night but i shoot down the idea since am still not that clear minded as yet!
I am going to find myself my significant other and i am in no hurry at all. Heck! I have my whole life ahead of me! Plus i am not hiding anymore and i am not accountable to anyone apart from myself. There is peace to loving and accepting myself. What happened last Saturday served to strengthen me maybe in a way not apparent to me as yet. But all the same, no amount of gay-bashing or someone's own homophobia will make me ever resent myself, that is one mistake i won't repeat again. No, never.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Closure: part 2
She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.
Closure: part 1
It was a long time coming. I knew it had to happen the only question was when.
This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.
So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.
My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.
This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.
So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.
My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.
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