The experiment

     Once again I don't understand how time moves so fast! A week is gone. A couple of exams are down and I must say am stupefied at how easy varsity examinations are! Or maybe am just smart? LOL!

      Since my previous post detailing the far I have come on my journey, I have had exams as I have mentioned and engaged in some games and experiments of my own.
      I did say that at times it does become difficult somewhat being gay and still ascribing to the teachings of Christianity. Some acquaintance of mine who has been nagging (and I mean NAGGING) me on the fact that being gay and being Christian are not two miscible qualities one can have. Mind you the said acquaintance is himself gay. Since he made my acquaintance recently, I can't help but to be very proud of myself (as If I could get any prouder). This guy has serious personal and esteem issues. He is the phony gay stereotype, those with the so outdated African-american slang and who keep calling someone 'child' in that annoying grandma-like tone (am not hating). Guess this passes off for some as being an urbanite or something rather, I digress.
       So this guy ( I will call him Sam*), has been a pitiable sight. Not only does he have no confidence in himself, he has no confidence of his appearance and worse still he still beats himself up for being gay. I have been playing Dr. Phil and hoping something would be better within him all to no avail. He, more than the homophobes, believes it is an abomination to be gay and I simply asked him why then would the same God make us this way and still exist within myself? Or was it being implied that the gay people of the world are God-less? I believe not. This led me to my 'experiment'.
        I ended up asking him to then question if he is at all gay. To which he replied in the affirmative. He was of the conviction that the environment made him gay and all that crap. I then asked him if he ever felt a difference between kissing a boy and a girl. He didn't answer this since he had no previous experience on kissing a girl. Don't lose hope just yet.
        See, I have a friend called Asha*. This girl is beautiful by any standard if the looks she is given on a normal walk is anything to go by and the countless offers from would-be suitors. Asha is my best friend and she does know am gay. She doesn't have a problem with it, if anything we are even more closer. If any man would have heterosexual feelings, I believe they would be brought out by her. In my experiment I wanted Sam to kiss Asha and see what happens. (No, am not a pimp). I actually had to plead and promise my being  indebted to her if she could help. So on Wednesday I went over to Sam's place with Asha and we proceeded with the experiment. Sam claimed he did not feel anything at all. Asha wasn't disappointed since I had kissed her before just to be sure I was gay (u never know, right).
      This then led me to my argument with Sam on being gay due to the environment. I believe that if you are gay because of your environment only and it is not innate in you then you should at least feel a stirring if you get involved with a girl which was not the case in this 'experiment'**
       This led me to believe that Sam's was just a case of self-loathe gone overboard and to add inferiority complex just makes the matter a disaster. I do pity him a lot. In a span of three weeks, we have ended up discussing suicide on 7 separate occasions. He is a good soul but the strain of being gay is proving to be a waterloo unto him. I do hope he will learn to accept himself and reconcile with his god. Before he makes good his threats of 'offing' himself.

*Not the real names
** ISO: 2008 certified experiment (LOL)

Look out!!

The setting: home
The characters: me n mom
The bone of contention: the usual.

As usual my life till now has no major social inclination. So as usual am wid mom since she prefers me to drive her.

We go back home as usual mom has no particular thing on her mind. I go into my room and take off my jeans trouser and begin to fold it when there is a sudden knock on the door.

I hurriedly put on shorts and say "come in". My mother comes in with a worried look on her face. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me to sit down. By now am naturally in partial shock. I sit down.

She starts by askin me if there is anything i wanna tell her. Right then i knew she had connected the long internet hours, lack of in my rarely mentioned but existent girl friend. My blood was racing into all the wrong places. The room seemed to take on a life-form of its own. My eyes welled up and my mother knew my usual resilient self couldnt take another blow. She silently stood up and told me to tell her whenever i felt i was 'ready'. I knew that she wasnt really sure as to whether or not i was what she thought because trust me when my mother is sure she will move in with the ferocity of a tiger.

I may have bought myself time but am not sure for how long though. I am thinking of running for the hills but where to? Am runnin out of lives but what to do? I may have to take matters into my hands...