Well, it's been a while since I arranged my thoughts. It's February already! I guess time flies fast when a couple of old Professors are breathing down your throat for assignments, research papers and whatnots. Enough of that already at least the upcoming exams are a sign off relief as my holiday approaches.
I thank God I have been so busy for fear of actually slowing down and realizing am not really moving or making progress on all fronts. I am talking about the 'finding myself' phase and the fact that am not that patient guy (at least not last time I checked).
So here I am at this point in my life to determine what the next years(God knows how many) are to be like. To say that I haven't made progress would be a lie. I have come to accept myself to a great extent and all I need to do is reconcile 'me' to my religion. The pastor at church seems to eye me when he has those pathetic homophobic notes in-front of him at the pulpit (paranoia). I could care less but it still nags me and uncle google has merely served to feed the wildfire (Australia's got nothing on this one).
There is a burning desire to feel 'right' though in this case the right I seek was preset by heterosexuals and well, it is questionable to an extent. We all have that need to be accepted and not merely tolerated. I know you too have that need. It is a need capable of throwing you off-balance if you don't keep it in check. They always say to be your 'own man' and to do that sometimes requires you to turn your back to the gallery. But in turning our backs are we not risking all? We say that if someone can't accept you, you shouldn't waste a tear over them nor give them a second thought. All I say is what if this means turning your back on those we have called family for all those years? The same people who have given us comfort in times of doubt and sorrow? The same people who have been our lives' pillars all this while? Is it not selfish of us to expect them to understand us and we not them? It is a recurring thought that reverberates throughout my head in all my waking life. I do realize that the prejudices held against the likes of myself are all 'fixed' information that mostly have no logical bearing whatsoever but there's always that small nagging to believe otherwise.
Oh, how easy it would be to sit back and suck it in, all the while telling yourself that they are right and you have to curb your 'hunger' as they call it. How easy it would be to fade into the mundane background and follow all the norms they selfishly lay out as necessary to be considered a member of their society. It would be so simple to sit back and throw barbs at the fags, laugh at gay pride parades and trash the gay neighbor we merely suspect but have no evidence of his orientation. So easy... *sigh*
But such is not my path as I have come to terms with albeit with a tinge of fear. The road ahead can't be smooth. I can't promise myself to be at the helm of every gay rights march but I do realize my part in the whole system. I must learn to stop and breath and let not the unknown bother me in my journey. I must be able to live in the moment that is now for tomorrow never comes and today is all we have to live for right?
I am not sure I will have the courage to face my beloved family when the inevitable moment of fessing up comes, nor my dearest of friends. I may never be sure if I will accept it to be a part of my public image. I may not even stand up for the rights of my brothers publicly nor my own.
For now I know I have only come to accept myself and even that is not complete yet. This may seem selfish but am only myself at the end of the day and I guess I will have to be content with accepting myself for now. I may never be the next David Kato or Denis from GALCK but for now I am a fierce gay rights advocate within myself. That within itself is an accomplishment.
The peace that is in accepting myself is immeasurable and though the terror of the truth coming to light is ever ominously towering above me. I have come to terms with myself. That's the best I can do as I live in the here and now, throwing to the wind all caution and foreboding.
I live for now...let tomorrow fight it's own battles.
