nightmare!

I know what you are thinking: what am I doing at 4 in the morning awake and trembling like a leaf? I had a dream that has recurred severally.
In my dream I get acquainted through some miraculous way to some people of my orientation. All goes well and is well under wraps but I forget the saying that it's not over till the fat lady sings. In the motions of that life I find a good friend and as most Hollywood crap would have you believe we fall in love and live happily ever after(yeah right!) Instead while we are at some place not clearly defined one thing leads to another and we start getting all mushy inside and start cuddling then all hell breaks loose!
My parents (out of god knows where!) decide to show up unannounced we scamper to our feet and as is expected I push him away having that offended look (the:who are you and what are you doing with me one, yes, that one!!) My mother stares in shock then to disbelief then downright contemptuous anger. I then wish the earth could swallow me my 'friend' and I start offering all kinds of moronic excuses: I don't know what got over me and all that sh*t!
Out of nowhere my father comes into the scene with a good ol' shotgun and believe me he is more than trigger friendly even more than our good ol' boys in blue would ever be. We run out and to our shock all the people I struggled to keep the secret from are there! I am swearing and running and crying all at the same time with the shotgun firing loudly behind us. In a fraction of a second my dear friend jumps in front of me and takes on for me and he falls motionless to the ground. all else around me goes silent as I kneel not knowing whether to feel responsible for the death or to be shocked my own father was going to shoot me in cold-blood!!!!!!!!!!
As I stare through tear-clouded eyes at my dying companion helpless with no one to come to my aid I start screaming and wake up to find myself in bed sweating and making a small noise (cliche I know). As I lay awake there on my bed the sadness and the brutal reality of that dream becomes a tangible fear almost choking. I wish I would die but then again I tell myself we've been through this and I can't change what I am. I walk to the computer knowing that is a war I may not be so lucky to win but I let it rest to the very last inevitable moment.
I dunno why I am writing this here but I guess it is a feeling of security knowing I can write what I feel without fear of victimization for I know there are others out here and yonder like myself with a caring heart. I love you all and take care out there... for you never know the time nor the place thou shalt be stricken by my idiotic, narrow-minded, barbaric, myopic and tunnel visioned homophobes !#@$^$*!!!! Forgive my abuses but it was just in the spirit of letting it all out.

Just in the nick of time.

A bloody incessant headache has been getting the better part of me for three weeks now.
after much pushing and shoving i found myself in hospital haemorraging money just for being seen. Finally i get to the doctor and i lay it flat for him: my parents want me here so get it over with already!
Well as it turns out i have what they gave some fancy medical term but cutting thru the crap all he meant to say was i am stressed hence the headache.
He starts small-talking me and sympathetic(yeah right!) me throws him some rope to compliment his efforts. Then the tears stung and i knew it was tyme to stop the words almost came rushing out of my mouth and i had to literally hold my mouth lest i give myself away. Come to think about it i wanted to confide in someone this secret tearing me up inside but i became the wiser and decided to wait for the right time...and person. Yes a time would come when to. All the while i told the doctor i was choking up with tears because i wanted to wretch. I went back home a wreck in tears thank God my parents had the decency to tint the car though i almost ran over someone and if by some wierd reason you read this sorry once again.

Solitude,laments, lovelorn. Desperate

Am.....well, to put it mildly, stressed beyond belief! Aaaargh! for how long will i have 2 bear this facade? am a dying man. Being young and gay is a timebomb. I have tried supression, denial n all hav comd to naught! i just cant imagine telling anyone am gay! my life is a lonely shell as every moment going by means am getting weaker am forced to have a girlfriend that i dnt want dnt need n dnt know what to do with 1 coz i wont perform and that may unleash a beast am not yet ready to deal with.
I truly do envy the gay frats working and livin their lives. Unfortunately for me, am trapped with no friends as the 'friends' (note the marks!) cant and will neva understand me and my predisposition. Am torn into shreds. Looking at me from the outside you may neva know the torment i face. For all you know you may have seen me on the street and thot i was smiling coz i was happy but it aint so for me. I still continue in this lyfe hoping, praying, waiting for a friend not necessarily a lover but perhaps a friend to walk with me through this dreary path that is seldom trodden. I look yonder and wish upon a star for that person(s) that will hold my hand in a storm and whisper to my ear it will be okay. Oh i await with bated breath! oh how i wish.
Meanwhile, till then i must bear the cross that is nt of thine own desire but that of a far much greater cause. Surely, am not alone in this? is there no sympathy for them that are not guilty. Is there no respite! save me from depression! is there no saviour for my suffering?

Religion, banishment

It is sunday and as usual am dragged off to church. All through the sermon am asking do gays go to church or are we a banished race?

Stardust

Well well well! lookie here. Wtf? anotha queer kenyan blogger! just when you were rationalising your conscience and thinking the queerfolk generation were dying out... Look again coz oops! You missed a spot! I know it pains but just you wait and see as i grow into the biggest pain ever witnessed in the muddled mess that is the fabric of the kenyan society.
Enough with the empty threats already. It is time 2 let the gay youth of kenya have a voice! Dah!
Oh! before i forget, don't hate am too young for that. Oh, yeah and another thing am new but i guess you figured it out already(if u are smart that is)