Am.....well, to put it mildly, stressed beyond belief! Aaaargh! for how long will i have 2 bear this facade? am a dying man. Being young and gay is a timebomb. I have tried supression, denial n all hav comd to naught! i just cant imagine telling anyone am gay! my life is a lonely shell as every moment going by means am getting weaker am forced to have a girlfriend that i dnt want dnt need n dnt know what to do with 1 coz i wont perform and that may unleash a beast am not yet ready to deal with.
I truly do envy the gay frats working and livin their lives. Unfortunately for me, am trapped with no friends as the 'friends' (note the marks!) cant and will neva understand me and my predisposition. Am torn into shreds. Looking at me from the outside you may neva know the torment i face. For all you know you may have seen me on the street and thot i was smiling coz i was happy but it aint so for me. I still continue in this lyfe hoping, praying, waiting for a friend not necessarily a lover but perhaps a friend to walk with me through this dreary path that is seldom trodden. I look yonder and wish upon a star for that person(s) that will hold my hand in a storm and whisper to my ear it will be okay. Oh i await with bated breath! oh how i wish.
Meanwhile, till then i must bear the cross that is nt of thine own desire but that of a far much greater cause. Surely, am not alone in this? is there no sympathy for them that are not guilty. Is there no respite! save me from depression! is there no saviour for my suffering?
You are definitely not alone.. many gay men in the 20's have to live in the facade you just painted and are conflicted just like you are.
ReplyDeleteYou want to fit in and yet the effort of fitting in beings living a lie.
There is a solution though...you don't owe anyone an explanation to your life and I think the first thing you need to do is stop cheating the girl. Leave her be..no one said one must have a girlfriend to be straight.
The second thing you need to do is identify if you are indeed bi or gay.. this key to determining how you wish to live the rest of your life.
The third thing is of course coming out to yourself..easier said than done.
Finally, you need a gay friend(not lover)..ONE who you can confide and who can support you the rest of the way.
easy peasy
U know you are begining to sound like a text book. Easy peasy. Huh! that is what everyone seems to think but for sure i know am completely gay coz once in high school i was in a situation with a gal even a priest would succumb but.... Nothing! (that is another story altogether!) you are right though coz as young as i am i dnt need a lover but a good friend. Are you offering psychiatric services? i wud luv to be the patient of a psych such as you u seem to know what am tokin about. Hav a gr8 dei i really do appreciate it. S.
ReplyDeleteI am told I speak like a teacher...maybe the reason why I sound like a text book.
ReplyDeleteAm not offering psychiatric services but experiences and really do know what am talking about
That is what is called self-hating, self-denial and internalised homophobia rolled in one, am still going thru this henious thing, okay I don't want to sound like a shrink but the only way to get out of it is to get in terms and accept who you are, acceptance is a part of healing. Then you go on...
ReplyDeletewell, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Sadly I aint any of those things you describe I just happen to be young and not have anyone to show me and tell me what to expect hence this blog's inception among other reasons so if you will be of help well and good. Word to the wise though: easy with the name calling some of us actually have hearts instead of iceboxes. Do have a lovely weekend won't you?
ReplyDeleteAnza by going to those underground gay clubs or hangouts.I could tell you to go with a friend but wote are str8*sad*.Jut get out thea find their spots and hangouts,Thats the only way you'll meet alikes.Its a major step but its worth a try.Whose to say...lots of good things might happen.
ReplyDeletehey! Welcome!!
ReplyDeleteI am not so sure about that, what with all the talk on blackmailers and common thieves posing as gays to extort. Still don't have such people in my life that go to such places. But maybe one day, who knows huh?
Most of the people I know are progressed in age and don't find such places suitable for them since they have a lot to lose if u understand what I mean.