Saturday, May 2, 2009

nightmare!

I know what you are thinking: what am I doing at 4 in the morning awake and trembling like a leaf? I had a dream that has recurred severally.
In my dream I get acquainted through some miraculous way to some people of my orientation. All goes well and is well under wraps but I forget the saying that it's not over till the fat lady sings. In the motions of that life I find a good friend and as most Hollywood crap would have you believe we fall in love and live happily ever after(yeah right!) Instead while we are at some place not clearly defined one thing leads to another and we start getting all mushy inside and start cuddling then all hell breaks loose!
My parents (out of god knows where!) decide to show up unannounced we scamper to our feet and as is expected I push him away having that offended look (the:who are you and what are you doing with me one, yes, that one!!) My mother stares in shock then to disbelief then downright contemptuous anger. I then wish the earth could swallow me my 'friend' and I start offering all kinds of moronic excuses: I don't know what got over me and all that sh*t!
Out of nowhere my father comes into the scene with a good ol' shotgun and believe me he is more than trigger friendly even more than our good ol' boys in blue would ever be. We run out and to our shock all the people I struggled to keep the secret from are there! I am swearing and running and crying all at the same time with the shotgun firing loudly behind us. In a fraction of a second my dear friend jumps in front of me and takes on for me and he falls motionless to the ground. all else around me goes silent as I kneel not knowing whether to feel responsible for the death or to be shocked my own father was going to shoot me in cold-blood!!!!!!!!!!
As I stare through tear-clouded eyes at my dying companion helpless with no one to come to my aid I start screaming and wake up to find myself in bed sweating and making a small noise (cliche I know). As I lay awake there on my bed the sadness and the brutal reality of that dream becomes a tangible fear almost choking. I wish I would die but then again I tell myself we've been through this and I can't change what I am. I walk to the computer knowing that is a war I may not be so lucky to win but I let it rest to the very last inevitable moment.
I dunno why I am writing this here but I guess it is a feeling of security knowing I can write what I feel without fear of victimization for I know there are others out here and yonder like myself with a caring heart. I love you all and take care out there... for you never know the time nor the place thou shalt be stricken by my idiotic, narrow-minded, barbaric, myopic and tunnel visioned homophobes !#@$^$*!!!! Forgive my abuses but it was just in the spirit of letting it all out.

6 comments:

  1. Hi, the turmoil that you seem to be going through at the moment is not unusual. Many young gay people go though this phase. Our circumstances in life, each of us, are different and taking this into account, the way we all deal with our sexuality too is different, each to his own. But in my view, the key thing that should be at the back of our minds is that our happiness in this life is our own responsibilty. Nobody can make us happy, we have to do it ourselves. And to do it, happiness must become the overriding objective of everything that we do, irrespective of what others feel or say about it. Of course, we must be sensitive to the feelings of others, but I guess the key is in being able to strike a balance between the two. We must never compromise on our right to the pursuit of happiness.

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  2. Thanks i really appreciate it. I really cant even start thinking of a solution as i have hit a mental block but i hope to soon.
    Sad thing is Kenya my beautiful home country likes livin in this status quo where they dont harm us we keep silent. Problem is the people who are like me in this country find it frustrating and confusing. Many people just prey on the innocence of the youth for monetary purposes or make them their romping subjects.
    Meanwhile I will try striking the balance of happiness and reality. When i finally do I will run it through you.
    Thank you once again for caring and I wish u a great weekend. LOL

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  3. @ Pater. Unanichekelea? hujui how inastress mtu. U think it is funny, u know something. I have an issue i am thinking of seeking your advice on later. Anyway till then have a beautiful time. Lol.

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  4. This nightmare is an expression of your fear of being found out by those dear to you.
    It manifests because this is true..and its not strange that you are afraid. As you get older and are able to deal with your sexuality, the fear will ebb and you will be comfortable with it.

    Am sure, you cant imagine coming out to your parents...they will deal with it and still continue loving you. Take it from one who did come out and dealt with the consequences positively.

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  5. GNM, wea you been? missd you. While you may be right, i am selfish in that i wanna cover my ass! as obvious as day i hav 2 go to uni and sad to say the course i am to undertake is quite pricy and, well i wanna finish n get a job first so dat wen i do tell them whether they cut me off or not i hav continuity. I know it sounds selfish but i happen to love my mother very much and she sort of keeps me on a pedestal, i cant imagine the look of disappointment on her face all because of me. I cant bear that pain, at least not now. I hope as you say it happens, you make it sound like a piece of cake. Thanx a lot. Take care.

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