rumplesteltskin

The heading of this post is enough and I thought of leaving it at that. I am confused so don't expect this post to make sense. I may have found out my mistake. In my hurriedness to 'realize myself', I was setting myself up for a fall unintentionally or not. Oh! Am addressing the feeling of realising I was the 'other' guy. I was pissed at first and I thought wtf! As I was planning on a course of action that was going to get me retribution I found what I was looking for in a very unlikely place which am not at liberty to discuss.

I actually found a person who shares my interests and as usual has an attitude to boot. Am talking about my new found friend (and no, he isn't imaginary!). We all think we should always have a significant other but I am disagreeing with that notion I think sometimes we just need to slow down and build ourselves before we merge into a relationship that just drains away the little self we have built in us. A significant other is not always the answer yet we succeed in telling ourselves that we do need them. Although am not saying one shouldn't have them but one should do so when they themselves have built up an identity and personality that will be strong enough to survive a relationship whether it succeeds or not otherwise we may be setting ourselves up for a fall that may not only plunder our emotional life but other aspects of our lives that we were not ready to lose. I actually sat myself down and evaluated what had just happened and I realised that in my hurry to be in a relationship I had overlooked myself and I was stringing someone along for a ride they hadn't bargained for and I would have ended up wrecking up more people than myself.

I am of the opinion that some things in life will come and find us wherever we are we just shouldn't put our lives on hold or in some crazy rat race for something we really have no influence over. But in the instance we try to influence these aspects the results are more than not usually catastrophic. A friend is sometimes all we need to keep sane and in control of our life. Do have a lovely day.

Closure: part 2

She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.

Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.

The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.

She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!

What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.