She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.