She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.
This is both beautiful and heartbreaking. It's the reason I awarded you with The Honest Scrap Award.
ReplyDeleteI hope you accept, and I look forward to more of your writing.
I like the way you ended it by saying you have become at ease with yourself and the future. There comes a time in our lives when it becomes necessary to do that. Quite a few gay men have never managed to cross that frontier and are conflicted for much of their lives, needlessly in my view. Because at the end of the day, those straight folks because of who many of us feel uneasy about our sexuality, don't really know, (or even care) what we're going through internally. We owe it to ourselves to be happy my dear. I'm glad for you.
ReplyDelete@ jackie : thanx a lot. I am honoured.
ReplyDelete@Aneningiyefa:
That is true. It is a feeling i can't really adjectivise but i am all the better for it. We need to learn to be at ease with ourselves before we can ever dream of others being at ease with us. Thanx n take care.
Yeah i thought about that. But that is a battle i am to fight another day. God bless her!
ReplyDeleteWell,its difficult i guess,having to break the hearts of those that are true to us,yet,is it the best path really? I mean,one day you will have to tell her...
ReplyDeleteWarrior, welcome to my blog!! I couldn't agree more, but am biding my time till then. You don't really know how much it hurts me knowing that day is imminent and i cannot run away from it. But the fact that i am at ease with who and what i am will make it all the easier for me.
ReplyDeleteWow!! Your Mom sounds cool! If it were me am wondering if i'd tell her... God!! That is a difficult decision. But ugh!!! Truth will out, they always know or eventually know. Life sucks!!! In a good way... sometimes
ReplyDeleteHH
@HH
ReplyDeleteAm beginning to doubt you read the first part (it is a two part series) anyway it aint my mum. She would tear me to little shreds and mail them to all corners of the world so that no one would know what happened to me. This was the girl that if i was a hetero-male as stated i would not hesitate to marry her. Am still guilty for her not taking it out on me.
yeah! did not read part one! if it is your galfriend you have to tell her and break it off! It is her right to know if not just discontinue with the relationship
ReplyDeleteThe relationship was discontinued but telling her i am gay in the same stance would be jumping the gun. She is cool with halting the relationship which is why i am feeling guilty now.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this. It is was about damn time and I have told you many times.
ReplyDeleteIam glad this turned out the way it did. See you soon
@ GNM:
ReplyDeleteOh boy! it was something one has to address before people get hurt. Can't wait to see! have a lovely time.