I am upset i never saw my knight in shining amour this weekend, damn their boss!
One may regard me to be making a mountaing out of an anthill. Anyway whichever the case, family tv a station i had once respected is going to air a program claiming homosexuality is a mindset. It does not help the guy they are in cohorts with 'claims' that he was gay then he switched back.
He then goes on to suggest that our kind are such lecherous people that we are sinking to new lows of recruiting new gays! Absurd to the least! They just fell short of claiming that there is a 'gay agenda' . I for one don't remember being 'recruited'!
Well I will stop there though i doubt I will watch the programme. For those who are interested in finding out how much propaganda they spew out you can catch the show today at 10pm on family tv.
To family media in my scanty knowledge of the bible i recall 1 John 4:7-21. Has said enough about love, yet i find it unbelievable that this show is going to encourage love amongst your viewers and the queers you are trying to paint as 'Evil'. Am dissapointed and plus the gay agenda is so last century! i would say something indecent but...you are not worth my salt. Take a hike!!!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
lovestruck
I had it all planned out, I was to wait for a couple of years before committing myself to a relationship. Oh yes the plans were down to time details but little did I know that the best laid plans are for rats!
I usually think myself a person full of self-control (yeah right!) and focus. I had just gotten over moping my recent episode of closure and it was a Friday so I thought to myself: what the heck! am too young to be mopey! I finally tell someone who contacted me from some weird site (whom I had no intention of even conversing with let alone see!) to meet up with me at some joint in town.
As I drink my tusker malt (hurray for being over eighteen) actually four malts later the guy shows up and I think to myself: this should be fast! But boy was I in for a shocker! Ok! I love dreadlocks on someone since i won't ever I mean ever get them so long as am the son of my mum! Meanwhile I was watching him from the entrance,my phone rings and I gesture from the bar and he comes over all the while I keep running the following day's troubles that would besiege me. He sits on the stool next to mine but luckily am not hyperventilating since the alcohol was starting to clog my responses (i consider myself a light drinker).
When the guy started talking all my head kept hearing was the peal of wedding bells, then I thought to myself what the fcuk am I thinking about. All this time I kept on nodding to what he was saying without listening!He was saying something about how he had had a boring day at work. I started the ball rolling and told him about my drab life and my steely resolve to stay single and then I zoned out on him and all I could think was how much time I would take to reach the nearest exit.
After what seemed like eternity I don't really know what changed but I broke into a pathetic blubbering fool. We shifted topics to the kenyan deplorable gay scene and we got to talking of failed relationships in both our pasts. As we talked, a warm sensation stirred within me I never deemed it possible that I would have such mushy feelings.
We left the place at two in the morning and went to his place since our home was too far and I reaked of alcohol. We got to his place and I poured out my sordid life story to this stranger whom I thought must think me mad! He then told me his life story which wasn't so rosy as one would assume.
I don't really know what bit the other but I ended up weeping (I am sensitive like that). When he reached across and held my hand in his soft hands I lost all sense of reason, there was a long lip lock of which I know not who initiated. It was awkward after that but I didn't really care anymore and before your dirty little minds think it no further exploration transpired! We talked a bit more and we slept together cuddled and nothing more.
Morning came then disaster struck!
I usually think myself a person full of self-control (yeah right!) and focus. I had just gotten over moping my recent episode of closure and it was a Friday so I thought to myself: what the heck! am too young to be mopey! I finally tell someone who contacted me from some weird site (whom I had no intention of even conversing with let alone see!) to meet up with me at some joint in town.
As I drink my tusker malt (hurray for being over eighteen) actually four malts later the guy shows up and I think to myself: this should be fast! But boy was I in for a shocker! Ok! I love dreadlocks on someone since i won't ever I mean ever get them so long as am the son of my mum! Meanwhile I was watching him from the entrance,my phone rings and I gesture from the bar and he comes over all the while I keep running the following day's troubles that would besiege me. He sits on the stool next to mine but luckily am not hyperventilating since the alcohol was starting to clog my responses (i consider myself a light drinker).
When the guy started talking all my head kept hearing was the peal of wedding bells, then I thought to myself what the fcuk am I thinking about. All this time I kept on nodding to what he was saying without listening!He was saying something about how he had had a boring day at work. I started the ball rolling and told him about my drab life and my steely resolve to stay single and then I zoned out on him and all I could think was how much time I would take to reach the nearest exit.
After what seemed like eternity I don't really know what changed but I broke into a pathetic blubbering fool. We shifted topics to the kenyan deplorable gay scene and we got to talking of failed relationships in both our pasts. As we talked, a warm sensation stirred within me I never deemed it possible that I would have such mushy feelings.
We left the place at two in the morning and went to his place since our home was too far and I reaked of alcohol. We got to his place and I poured out my sordid life story to this stranger whom I thought must think me mad! He then told me his life story which wasn't so rosy as one would assume.
I don't really know what bit the other but I ended up weeping (I am sensitive like that). When he reached across and held my hand in his soft hands I lost all sense of reason, there was a long lip lock of which I know not who initiated. It was awkward after that but I didn't really care anymore and before your dirty little minds think it no further exploration transpired! We talked a bit more and we slept together cuddled and nothing more.
Morning came then disaster struck!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sigh!
Since last saturday after 'the talk' i was gloomy and indoors. I have drank so many varieties of knorr soups i ought to get a free year's supply.
My mum was naturally worried and i told her we had broken up and this earned me mileage in my hidden identity.
She (linda) called me on tuesday and we talked for a bit before slumping back to my droopy self. After she hang-up my mind still tormented me as to why was i being so inconsiderate. The weather wasn't doing me any good since it resonated my mood. As i write this it is still cold and grey outside. I haven't left the house for quite a while now and i am thinking of going out tomorrow night but i shoot down the idea since am still not that clear minded as yet!
I am going to find myself my significant other and i am in no hurry at all. Heck! I have my whole life ahead of me! Plus i am not hiding anymore and i am not accountable to anyone apart from myself. There is peace to loving and accepting myself. What happened last Saturday served to strengthen me maybe in a way not apparent to me as yet. But all the same, no amount of gay-bashing or someone's own homophobia will make me ever resent myself, that is one mistake i won't repeat again. No, never.
My mum was naturally worried and i told her we had broken up and this earned me mileage in my hidden identity.
She (linda) called me on tuesday and we talked for a bit before slumping back to my droopy self. After she hang-up my mind still tormented me as to why was i being so inconsiderate. The weather wasn't doing me any good since it resonated my mood. As i write this it is still cold and grey outside. I haven't left the house for quite a while now and i am thinking of going out tomorrow night but i shoot down the idea since am still not that clear minded as yet!
I am going to find myself my significant other and i am in no hurry at all. Heck! I have my whole life ahead of me! Plus i am not hiding anymore and i am not accountable to anyone apart from myself. There is peace to loving and accepting myself. What happened last Saturday served to strengthen me maybe in a way not apparent to me as yet. But all the same, no amount of gay-bashing or someone's own homophobia will make me ever resent myself, that is one mistake i won't repeat again. No, never.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Closure: part 2
She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.
Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.
The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.
She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!
What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.
Closure: part 1
It was a long time coming. I knew it had to happen the only question was when.
This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.
So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.
My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.
This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.
So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.
My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Laxity
I had a fabulous weekend...ok, ok! i will tell the truth! i had a normal weekend, save for two major ups on saturday... Yeeih!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand: i was perusing through the daily nation...Oh! if you don't read you may not have been aware.
Dr. Chris Hart's article 'A different life is in the genes'. It had quite a scientific twist to it. The gist of the article was that contrary to what most homophobics argue, the queer gene is actually existent! I don't really know why but i was elated to see that east africa's biggest media house would let an article defending homosexuality see the light of day. Double yeeih!! But then following the story i realised that our kenyan culture was negating it's goal to anihilate gays! The article argued that the more gay/Bisexuals copulated with women, the more gay people sprout. Could we be increasing due to our predecessors efforts to look 'normal' (note the marks!) to the rest of the uneducated community?As to whether to laugh at the community for defeating themselves in an effort to defeat the gay phenomenom or not, I wonder...hmmm...
Anyway, back to the matter at hand: i was perusing through the daily nation...Oh! if you don't read you may not have been aware.
Dr. Chris Hart's article 'A different life is in the genes'. It had quite a scientific twist to it. The gist of the article was that contrary to what most homophobics argue, the queer gene is actually existent! I don't really know why but i was elated to see that east africa's biggest media house would let an article defending homosexuality see the light of day. Double yeeih!! But then following the story i realised that our kenyan culture was negating it's goal to anihilate gays! The article argued that the more gay/Bisexuals copulated with women, the more gay people sprout. Could we be increasing due to our predecessors efforts to look 'normal' (note the marks!) to the rest of the uneducated community?As to whether to laugh at the community for defeating themselves in an effort to defeat the gay phenomenom or not, I wonder...hmmm...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Crawl before walking let alone running.
As i write i remember am having loads of ideas but they arent fully formed.
I as a the gay youth i am have a quarrel to pick with our so-called gay activists. We all (the gay community, if it does exist!) keep complainin that we are not being allowed integration into the fabric of the african society.
I have sat back and thought long and hard about this. I am clearly stating that these are my views and you are allowed your own.
It is common knowledge that when you want to culture a practice into an individual you do it at the youngest age possible. No matter how much money gets poured into our activists's kitty, no matter how we bloggers shout at the rooftops, no matter how abrasive our advocaters become, this is a war we will surely lose and if by some miracle victory is attained, it will surely be a pyrrhic victory.
Walk with me on this one: i am not oblivious to the fact that some paranoid people have been alleging that there is a gay agenda which to date i have no evidence of. As one can decipher from my blog, am almost twenty. I am against legalisation of homosexuality in kenya but not for the normal clandestine reason that people prefer illegal encounters as they are more thrilling. Mine is a different path all together. I assume that 18 years by law is old enough to make a mature decision. If at all the so called GALCK (of which i have no knowledge of save from heresay, never mind the fact am gay!) had the time to sit down and monitor their progress (if any!) they would notice it was minute. That is because by the time i was 15 i knew i was 'different'. By the time i was 18 i almost had a feeling of self loathing. At 18 some sort of method should be in place to show them that it is not a perversion but rather a part of them. The main aim here is to give us self confidence on who we are inside and not our sexuality to define our future. I am saying this because someone did this for me and though he may not know it, what the guy did for me, to me was nothing short of a miracle and am not exaggerating! (Hats off to him n God bless him) it got me thinking what if every other person like me was so lucky? wouldnt it make us proud to be who we are? Most of us never get out to our family and friends because we are not happy with ourselves. Before we set our sights on legalisation, we first need to build a base in the form of youth who are proud of who they are. The western countries we see legalise it had to go through this first. When the youth are proud of themselves, they will be able to come out to their family and friends this will have a remarkable butterfly effect on stemming this monstrosity we call homophobia. So the next time we want homosexuality legalised, let us remember we need to learn that we can't start running without learning to walk let alone learning to crawl! Do have a lovely weekend as we mark May 17th, wontcha?
I as a the gay youth i am have a quarrel to pick with our so-called gay activists. We all (the gay community, if it does exist!) keep complainin that we are not being allowed integration into the fabric of the african society.
I have sat back and thought long and hard about this. I am clearly stating that these are my views and you are allowed your own.
It is common knowledge that when you want to culture a practice into an individual you do it at the youngest age possible. No matter how much money gets poured into our activists's kitty, no matter how we bloggers shout at the rooftops, no matter how abrasive our advocaters become, this is a war we will surely lose and if by some miracle victory is attained, it will surely be a pyrrhic victory.
Walk with me on this one: i am not oblivious to the fact that some paranoid people have been alleging that there is a gay agenda which to date i have no evidence of. As one can decipher from my blog, am almost twenty. I am against legalisation of homosexuality in kenya but not for the normal clandestine reason that people prefer illegal encounters as they are more thrilling. Mine is a different path all together. I assume that 18 years by law is old enough to make a mature decision. If at all the so called GALCK (of which i have no knowledge of save from heresay, never mind the fact am gay!) had the time to sit down and monitor their progress (if any!) they would notice it was minute. That is because by the time i was 15 i knew i was 'different'. By the time i was 18 i almost had a feeling of self loathing. At 18 some sort of method should be in place to show them that it is not a perversion but rather a part of them. The main aim here is to give us self confidence on who we are inside and not our sexuality to define our future. I am saying this because someone did this for me and though he may not know it, what the guy did for me, to me was nothing short of a miracle and am not exaggerating! (Hats off to him n God bless him) it got me thinking what if every other person like me was so lucky? wouldnt it make us proud to be who we are? Most of us never get out to our family and friends because we are not happy with ourselves. Before we set our sights on legalisation, we first need to build a base in the form of youth who are proud of who they are. The western countries we see legalise it had to go through this first. When the youth are proud of themselves, they will be able to come out to their family and friends this will have a remarkable butterfly effect on stemming this monstrosity we call homophobia. So the next time we want homosexuality legalised, let us remember we need to learn that we can't start running without learning to walk let alone learning to crawl! Do have a lovely weekend as we mark May 17th, wontcha?
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