Queeattitude

UNDER MAINTENANCE

2011-08-09T10:01:00.000+03:00

It's been a while with a lot happening in the "while" will update ~~in a while~~, sorry, I meant soon.

XOXOXO NF.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2011-05-17T00:05:00.000+03:00

Just thought I would drop in, rant and rave and get on with my exams that have kept me too busy to post some of the hilarious and sometimes dangerous things that have transpired since the last time wrote here (a story for a later time)

The purpose of my rant is the new nomination to the post of Chief justice, a Mr. Willy Mutunga, who so nonchalantly echoed his sentiments to the interview panel concerning his ear accessory that has kicked up quite a storm over the recent weekend. He told the commission that if it came down to choosing between the post of C.J. and ridding himself of his earrings, he would rather they keep the job to themselves. This turns out to be the source of the controversy that is raging.

Our ever dark age remnant church clergy have taken to the warpath once again and it is becoming harder and harder each day to tell if they are attention whores of some sort. I would like at this juncture to point out that as a catholic; I am part of the so-called church they seem to represent. The church clergy (read goblins) today went on hope FM a local Christian station and stated that Mr. Willy Mutunga was in actuality a gay person which you should note is different from him supporting equal rights for them. To further aggravate the matter, they out-rightly declared that wearing an earring on one ear was an accepted show of one’s homosexuality. This translates to anyone wearing a single earring being in danger of the cavalry.

Beyond all this, the fact is that after I read up on his track record I would think he is the best among his peers to handle the radical shift in the judiciary that we all yearn for. All factors considered, this is the best candidate for the job at this time.

P.S. I don’t think one’s sexuality is a hindrance to clear and impartial reasoning. Am just saying...

Nyeri stiffs

2011-04-26T21:08:00.000+03:00

Spring cleaning

2011-04-04T23:20:00.000+03:00

Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I dunno how to explain my absence but then again, who can, right?

Anyway am writing this post after a while since I need some fresh infusion in my life. I am getting quite frustrated with plain 'ol normal. I haven't as yet sorted my public nor private life. I find that I have so many straight people surrounding me that I in essence am almost convincing myself that I might need to 'fit in' (cliché I know).

I am cleaning my friends lists and dumping the boring company I keep as backup I think it's time I took a risk. Who knows I might get a Mohawk, dye my hair red, get piercings everywhere imaginable and just to boot I might be bold enough to post a photo of myself on my profile.

Am honestly getting irritated with having to hide just because of who I am. Hey, I might even do something outrageous in plain sight. I know I sound crazy, but then again maybe I am. I want most of all to be free...

Now to go and start on those plans. (wish me luck! LOL!)

The experiment

2011-02-12T15:55:00.001+03:00

   Once again I don't understand how time moves so fast! A week is gone. A couple of exams are down and I must say am stupefied at how easy varsity examinations are! Or maybe am just smart? LOL!

   Since my previous post detailing the far I have come on my journey, I have had exams as I have mentioned and engaged in some games and experiments of my own.
   I did say that at times it does become difficult somewhat being gay and still ascribing to the teachings of Christianity. Some acquaintance of mine who has been nagging (and I mean NAGGING) me on the fact that being gay and being Christian are not two miscible qualities one can have. Mind you the said acquaintance is himself gay. Since he made my acquaintance recently, I can't help but to be very proud of myself (as If I could get any prouder). This guy has serious personal and esteem issues. He is the phony gay stereotype, those with the so outdated African-american slang and who keep calling someone 'child' in that annoying grandma-like tone (am not hating). Guess this passes off for some as being an urbanite or something rather, I digress.
   So this guy ( I will call him Sam*), has been a pitiable sight. Not only does he have no confidence in himself, he has no confidence of his appearance and worse still he still beats himself up for being gay. I have been playing Dr. Phil and hoping something would be better within him all to no avail. He, more than the homophobes, believes it is an abomination to be gay and I simply asked him why then would the same God make us this way and still exist within myself? Or was it being implied that the gay people of the world are God-less? I believe not. This led me to my 'experiment'.
   I ended up asking him to then question if he is at all gay. To which he replied in the affirmative. He was of the conviction that the environment made him gay and all that crap. I then asked him if he ever felt a difference between kissing a boy and a girl. He didn't answer this since he had no previous experience on kissing a girl. Don't lose hope just yet.
   See, I have a friend called Asha*. This girl is beautiful by any standard if the looks she is given on a normal walk is anything to go by and the countless offers from would-be suitors. Asha is my best friend and she does know am gay. She doesn't have a problem with it, if anything we are even more closer. If any man would have heterosexual feelings, I believe they would be brought out by her. In my experiment I wanted Sam to kiss Asha and see what happens. (No, am not a pimp). I actually had to plead and promise my being indebted to her if she could help. So on Wednesday I went over to Sam's place with Asha and we proceeded with the experiment. Sam claimed he did not feel anything at all. Asha wasn't disappointed since I had kissed her before just to be sure I was gay (u never know, right).
   This then led me to my argument with Sam on being gay due to the environment. I believe that if you are gay because of your environment only and it is not innate in you then you should at least feel a stirring if you get involved with a girl which was not the case in this 'experiment'**
   This led me to believe that Sam's was just a case of self-loathe gone overboard and to add inferiority complex just makes the matter a disaster. I do pity him a lot. In a span of three weeks, we have ended up discussing suicide on 7 separate occasions. He is a good soul but the strain of being gay is proving to be a waterloo unto him. I do hope he will learn to accept himself and reconcile with his god. Before he makes good his threats of 'offing' himself.

*Not the real names
** ISO: 2008 certified experiment (LOL)

FINDING ME

2011-02-05T22:49:00.002+03:00

   Well, it's been a while since I arranged my thoughts. It's February already! I guess time flies fast when a couple of old Professors are breathing down your throat for assignments, research papers and whatnots. Enough of that already at least the upcoming exams are a sign off relief as my holiday approaches.

   I thank God I have been so busy for fear of actually slowing down and realizing am not really moving or making progress on all fronts. I am talking about the 'finding myself' phase and the fact that am not that patient guy (at least not last time I checked).
   So here I am at this point in my life to determine what the next years(God knows how many) are to be like. To say that I haven't made progress would be a lie. I have come to accept myself to a great extent and all I need to do is reconcile 'me' to my religion. The pastor at church seems to eye me when he has those pathetic homophobic notes in-front of him at the pulpit (paranoia). I could care less but it still nags me and uncle google has merely served to feed the wildfire (Australia's got nothing on this one).
   There is a burning desire to feel 'right' though in this case the right I seek was preset by heterosexuals and well, it is questionable to an extent. We all have that need to be accepted and not merely tolerated. I know you too have that need. It is a need capable of throwing you off-balance if you don't keep it in check. They always say to be your 'own man' and to do that sometimes requires you to turn your back to the gallery. But in turning our backs are we not risking all? We say that if someone can't accept you, you shouldn't waste a tear over them nor give them a second thought. All I say is what if this means turning your back on those we have called family for all those years? The same people who have given us comfort in times of doubt and sorrow? The same people who have been our lives' pillars all this while? Is it not selfish of us to expect them to understand us and we not them? It is a recurring thought that reverberates throughout my head in all my waking life. I do realize that the prejudices held against the likes of myself are all 'fixed' information that mostly have no logical bearing whatsoever but there's always that small nagging to believe otherwise.
   Oh, how easy it would be to sit back and suck it in, all the while telling yourself that they are right and you have to curb your 'hunger' as they call it. How easy it would be to fade into the mundane background and follow all the norms they selfishly lay out as necessary to be considered a member of their society. It would be so simple to sit back and throw barbs at the fags, laugh at gay pride parades and trash the gay neighbor we merely suspect but have no evidence of his orientation. So easy... *sigh*
   But such is not my path as I have come to terms with albeit with a tinge of fear. The road ahead can't be smooth. I can't promise myself to be at the helm of every gay rights march but I do realize my part in the whole system. I must learn to stop and breath and let not the unknown bother me in my journey. I must be able to live in the moment that is now for tomorrow never comes and today is all we have to live for right?
   I am not sure I will have the courage to face my beloved family when the inevitable moment of fessing up comes, nor my dearest of friends. I may never be sure if I will accept it to be a part of my public image. I may not even stand up for the rights of my brothers publicly nor my own.
   For now I know I have only come to accept myself and even that is not complete yet. This may seem selfish but am only myself at the end of the day and I guess I will have to be content with accepting myself for now. I may never be the next David Kato or Denis from GALCK but for now I am a fierce gay rights advocate within myself. That within itself is an accomplishment.

   The peace that is in accepting myself is immeasurable and though the terror of the truth coming to light is ever ominously towering above me. I have come to terms with myself. That's the best I can do as I live in the here and now, throwing to the wind all caution and foreboding.

I live for now...let tomorrow fight it's own battles.

COVER UP OR THE TRUTH?

2011-01-28T21:46:00.000+03:00

Reuters Uganda have reported that according to the Uganda Police, David Kato's killing may not be a case of hate crime as earlier reported. "His homosexuality has not come up as an issue in the preliminary investigation," police spokeswoman, Judith Nabakooba, told Reuters. According to Reuters Uganda the police haven't considered the hate crime angle and are instead investigating a person who had been living with David prior to the attack.

Case of conspiracy/cover-up or just the plain truth? You decide...

FALLEN HERO

2011-01-27T19:51:00.001+03:00

The brutal murder of David Kato, a Ugandan human rights activist is both saddening and shocking yet it serves as a wake up call to all. I send my condolences to his friends and family for their bereavement at this time.

While this issue has been addressed many a time by a number of bloggers, I think it is time the cloak and dagger games came to a stop. An innocent life has been lost in a grotesque manner. This goes to show how deep-seated the hate for LGBTI persons has become. It is indeed a grave issue that if not addressed might end up justifying the bloodshed of innocent people all because someone holds a different idea on whom they (not you) choose to express their love towards. To kill a fellow human with such savage I think ends up contradicting the same doctrines the anti-gay crusaders purport to stick to. Shame on all of you.

R.I.P. DAVID KATO

ILGA RESPONDS TO DAVID KATO'S BRUTAL MURDER

2011-01-27T19:34:00.000+03:00

ILGA CONDEMS DAVID KATO?S MURDER URGING UGANDA AUTHORITIES TO ENSURE SAFETY
LGBTI COMMUNITY

Brussels, January 26, 2011 -- ILGA the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
Trans and Intersex association is appalled and shocked by the murder of gay
rights activist David Kato in Uganda on Wednesday. Kato?s body was found by
neighbors in his house in Kampala on Wednesday hacked on the head with a
hammer. From Mexico-city ILGA?s co-secretary-general, Gloria Careaga issued
a forceful demand to Uganda?s authorities, to stop the persecution and
violence against LGBTI people and to thoroughly and promptly investigate
?this hideous crime?. ?We demand justice and respect. Our international work
is based on the phrase ?Nobody is safe until everybody is safe?, Careaga
stated.

Kato?s murder comes only weeks after the Uganda Supreme Court told the local
magazine ?Rolling Stones? to stop publishing names of prominent Ugandan
alleged homosexuals and calling for them to be hanged. It now seems someone
apparently took up the magazine?s call and David Kato, who was out already
as gay man and LGBTI activist has become the first lethal victim of the
magazine?s hate call. Careaga: ?First we need to mourn David and celebrate
his life and legacy, while giving comfort and support to his family, friends
and fellow-activists in Uganda and all over the world. But then we will have
to ensure that his death proves that the wave of hate towards LGBTI people
in Africa and particularly in Uganda must be stopped and turned around". She
quoted a statement of Kato in an interview by the New Internationalist
Magazine last year: ?I can?t run away and leave the people I am protecting.
People might die, but me, I will be the last one to run out of here?. ?David
Kato did not run, and he died. We cannot leave his work undone? Gloria
Careaga stressed.

David Kato visited the ILGA?s headquarter in Brussels as recently as march
last year on a tour of European institutions and governments to boost
support against the Ugandan law proposal aiming to make homosexuality
punishable by death. Kato has been arrested three times for his activism and
faced innumerable other forms of harassment and assault. A long-time
activist, Kato had earned the title of ?grandfather of the kuchus? ? as gay
men in Kampala call themselves ? for his work on behalf of people in the
LGBT community. In the past he has sheltered many people in his home,
visited them in prison and worked for their release. He worked as the
advocacy and litigation officer for SMUT, Sexual Minorities Uganda, Uganda?s
main LGBTI Rights group. David Kato?s murder ironically comes on the same
day that United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon made the strongest
call ever by the UN for an end to human rights violations based on sexual
orientation and gender identity.

Mario Kleinmoedig

ILGA Press Officer

Topics tropicalized for us?

2011-01-13T01:13:00.000+03:00

I can't really be sure. But I am of the inclination that the world is conspiring for some unknown reason so far. In my past single week of being on campus, I can almost swear that there has been a very sharp increase on debate regarding the gay community both in Kenya and globally mind you that 96% of the people I interact with so far are heterosexual. Though most of the arguments are tropicalized (made to suit our Kenyan situation). I realize that there is a gradual increase in the interest on the subject of homosexuality amongst our future leaders (am not so sure about the leaders part).

Obviously the discussions have been more inclined towards the argument against supporting homosexuality and accepting homosexuals in our society. Though this is a chance for the trolls to spread their vitriol, I have come to see this as a disguised blessing (stay with me on this one). The thing is, as these arguments continue to be on their minds and lips, they will be forced to research their facts and maybe, just maybe they may be able to realize the fallacies that they have for most of their young adult lives idolized as truths and get to see this situation in proper context. The main thing that made me find this weird coincidence worth writing about is the fact that many are getting to stop seeing this as a religious issue and are getting to see it in the proper social context that should be their basis of argument. Though the bible argument is far from over, I hope reason prevails. Just call me optimistic or delirious but I see hope...

Happy new year

2011-01-06T22:20:00.001+03:00

A rather belated wish to y'all for a happy new year!

Getting down to other 'stuff', I happen to have not had any sort of a holiday what with all the assignments and innumerable number of research papers to submit. I haven't much to say save for expressing my hope for a good new year and from the onset this promises to be an entirely new and breathtaking time for the next 359 days (hope the champagne keeps on flowing and the party don't stop). Am so glad for all the good things that I have in my life inclusive of my 'blogworld' out here, a place of refuge.

Talk to you soon after I make some old professor angry with lengthy reports. ;)

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T17:35:00.001+03:00

It's been a while and am now on holiday and just stopped to use this mall's wifi network to wish y'all a merry christmas and season's greetings to all of you as we all celebrate this season. Though my discovery phase has made leaps and bounds am still elated that such a mainstream singer as Katy Perry advocates for acceptance of gays in her new touching video of Fireworks. Though some vitriol is included in the comments on the video, after skimming through the comments, most people seemed to think homophobia belongs to unevolved (is there such a word?) species, enjoy, it almost made me cry. :'-) FOLLOW THIS LINK.

Merry Christmas!!

so so

2010-12-11T18:34:00.000+03:00

I have been and might still be away for a while as I compile my random life events for later posting. I did miss blogosphere and talking about myself.

The workload I am having at my university is almost suicidal since god knows who told them the end of the world was here (no, it ain;t 2012. yet.). So I guess that's as far as one tired guy like me can stretch a greeting, LOL!

see you soon, back undercover I go (u know am talking about books though, right?)
xoxoxoxoxoxo

CUMMING IN HANDY

2010-09-26T16:00:00.000+03:00

Boy am I lucky am not under 18!

Since my little incident of which am greatly and immensely sorry about to all involved, am not grounded since 19 year olds don't get grounded but the heat is on and I pleaded on both knees to be allowed to stay with access to all amenities except any car which of course was out of the question all together. After being granted my wishes albeit with strings attached, the neck brace didn't aide my attempt to get back on my feet at all.

Anyway the folks are off to church though mummy's still in shock and am having a lot of time on my hands. This comes in handy to help me catch up on my internet time and am gonna blog about anything from trees to four-leaf clovers till me-time is over.

Though the time on my hands isn't a lot of help since I can't help but think of all the other ways things would've gone awry.

Reverberations

2010-09-25T22:12:00.001+03:00

Well... After this post, to say we painted the town pink would be a gross understatement. Plus of course to celebrate GNM's sixth we took no prisoners and boy must I say Kenyan guys (gay, just so we're on the same page) can rock a party like no one's bizness.

Leaving home at five and rocking up at some random party in Westlands with a new found posse was the bestest idea ever like in God knows how long! As usual firewater was free and flowing to the contentment of all. Then came the dancing and boy o boy did the boys get their groove on! Damn! I wish that would be relived (I doubt it will). since I was tired of being a goody-two shoes I just let loose n I must admit it was the touchstone of this year. I really enjoyed myself and just to get things clear; I am an advocate for safe sex !

After rocking the party time to leave came and we set off but just as rowdy as possible. Am talking howling passengers and drinks all over the car upholstery (daddy ain't gonna be amused!) so were speeding in the wee hours of the morning through Mandera road and just as we take a turn on Othaya road I see this amorphous big blue mammoth of a truck barreling towards the corner without any lights on it save for the reflectors on the truck that the car we were driving illuminated and as silly me navigates the corner, the truck simply tore of the whole half back right side of the sedan. The noise made was super sonic so much so that i never heard the airbags deploy so obviously am hit smack on the face and that momentary impact almost literally took my breath away. These were all blurred as i came to realize i wasn't alone in the vehicle. I saw jack who was seated on the right side of the car on the left side and in a manner that betrayed his utter state of shock.

By this time intoxication was not in the equation, Steven on the other hand who was in the passenger seat had passed out. As i tried to push the driver's door open with a gargantuan migraine throbbing in my head I saw the figure of a man running toward the nearby hedge, totally disregarding him I moved toward the left side to let Steven and Jack out all I recollect up till now is seeing a bright white flash of light and then nothing.

Waking up in Nairobi Hospital with a bandaged lip and a neck brace with the family staring at this soon to be dead lad made me wish the flash had gone on to become the famous white light that welcomes the departed. What ensued were police statements after discharge and accusations and counter accusations and promises of a follow up though the fact that my neck stung like a matha***** was not of any importance. Luckily Jack and Steven were both better off than I and weren't harmed thanks to airbags and God. Now that the day is over am really seeing the lack of thought and disregard for life of myself and my friends. To Jack and Steven: My sincerest apologies to u and family.

As u would guess the pictures of the car wreck confirmed my fears of the car being written-off with the rear axle completely torn apart. Dad's still acting nice but i know it is the lull before the storm that belies the terror and unspoken suffering to ensue, to which I welcome with open arms since I am stupid for driving under influence. So here I come public transport with a cold heart. (hope we have a long friendship).

Am still sorry...

T.G.I.F

2010-09-23T22:21:00.000+03:00

Not to preempt myself but it's gonna be Friday in a few hours. And when it's Friday you know we gotta party n paint the town pink. So in the spirit of our trail of destruction, here's to all u hotties !!here is Taio Cruz 4 ya!

pick ups

2010-09-22T20:50:00.000+03:00

Well, am not one to be picky but we are quite a funny lot. I was recently aimlessly going through the web and stumbled upon a site where it would be safe to say a lot of Kenyan gay men like to interact through. That was not what caught my eye.

As i roved further down the message boards I got a funny title of where guys pick up other guys and I being the curious one peeped in to see what guys had noted down. Apart from the normal places and pubs guys pick each other up the city council toilets and Uhuru park popped up quite a lot. This was what had me baffled: How on God's green earth do u pick up a guy in a council restroom of which I have seen some (read most) to be quite unsightly what with the wanting levels of hygiene. Some even alleged to have gone at it in the toilet stalls to which I felt a hint of disgust. like seriously, a toilet stall!!!! come on!!!! Anyway this was the least of my surprise. The Uhuru park cruisers caught me by surprise too and more so for the mere fact that they pick each other up and go at it like rabbits in the bushes. Mind you this is someone you just met a few minutes ago. Hot-blooded or not that is downright cheap and reckless, aside from indecent exposure and risk of contracting STD's. Dudes get serious!! This is a recreational park for all people to relax not an opportunity to sneak a peek at a blue movie!! Euch!!

I won't play self-righteous or nothing here but I sorta find those places a bit of a stretch. What happened to class???

sharing rotten fruits

2010-09-21T00:35:00.001+03:00

I was previously in church this Sunday. As is predictable am not an ardent church-goer ever since ou pastor got it into his head that the bible has damned all sort of 'defiant' people gays and all included...I digress. Anyway, our pastor is sort of old-fashioned (not in a good way) to a fault. They had attended a seminar in Italy (church sponsored of course) and he had just come back a few days earlier.

And so my despair set in, he came back with a put-on Italian accent that tended to wear off when he spoke more than two words. So he was describing for us his trip to the olive country. He proceeded to narrate how he was assigned two roommates of whom one was gay and the other was a goth and they had all gone there for a spiritual retreat.

As you can guess, this did not go down well with lil' mister old-fashioned. He unashamedly narrated how he had to go complain to the seminary administration for mixing him with the wretched of the earth and for exposing him to 'communicable sin' (whatever that meant). As fate would have it, the administration simply rebuffed his attempts at being prejudiced against his roommates. He was instead told that if he felt too offended he could himself leave the seminary to which he obviously declined. So as a coping strategy, he preferred to get into the room at odd hours when all others had long been asleep. For the simple fact that the goth might attempt to suck his blood and the gay man might jump him and force him to do the monkey dance. At this point some people in the congregation seemed to find this funny for some reason unknown to the preacher. He went on to condemn his roommates to eternal fire and brimstone and the works. He ranted on and on as I wondered when the 'sharing' would end. He was basically fueling hate against LGBT, GOTHS and the western governments for allowing such 'devils' (his own words) to send us all to eternal damnation.

When the sermon was over a sort of discussion started at one of the church's exit (mind you this was a youth service). And interestingly enough, it was on social acceptance and I got drawn into it. The argument was on the premise of the preacher's experience with some saying that it was time for people to stop sticking their heads in the sand and wake up to the reality that there are such people among us and that they are no less human and I couldn't help but echo these sentiments. The preacher himself finally came in and after 30 minutes of deliberations, accusations and all the pastor and his supporters gave in since they couldn't prove their facts. I couldn't help but be amused at the preacher's tired attempt to smear peoples characters based on preferences. I was happy that in a small way all the publicity wasn't wasted in jolting the society into opening their eyes to what is around us all, and it won't go away just coz they wish it. While at the same time we (LGBT) should give time and be patient while avoiding the 'in your face' approach we are known for. It is not too far of that we shall be acknowledged.

*DISCLAIMER: This was in Karen where luckily the congregation is largely accommodating to varied ideologies. The same place where two boys kissed at the bus stop without stone-pelting and mob justice taking place. This may not always end so amicably in all places.

VICTORY!!!!

2010-08-05T22:55:00.004+03:00

I am going ahead to congratulate all Kenyans for the peaceful and orderly expression of their choice for their future. I was particularly shocked (in a good way, that is) to see all the ICT applied by the IIEC commission to tally and coordinate their field agents and the tally center. And the officials actually knew what went on on the ground. Kudos to their dedication and giving us an easy time accessing results.

And to those nefarious NO leaders and the so-called church men, please gracefully accept that you were on the wrong side of history even though we are all winners.

After actually being awake from 5 O'clock Wednesday morning am sort of tired and I do need my beauty sleep though I couldn't do so till I gave thanks where it was due. I am anxious for the road ahead to implementation and actually living it. This is a victory for us kenyans and a great step toward addressing our minorities and the marginalized and to finally exorcise the ghost of corruption that has plagued us so. I am not gonna be awake for the next 36 hours so it's bottoms up everyone and let's get this party started!! Love ya and great weekend ahead.

DAWN IS APPROACHING

2010-07-28T18:49:00.001+03:00

For some unknown reason, I can't seem to sit still. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that Friday is once again beckoning and am sure to get it on then.

I think it is an exhilarating feeling having closed a big chapter of my life and heading to another bigger/smaller one (it depends). I am not a politics fanatic but with the referendum and all approaching, I can't help but get that feeling of anticipation of something that will be nothing short of glorious in the story of our great state of Kenya. It's almost like the feeling you get right before the climax and your'e almost definitely gonna scream and u wanna bite your tongue(strange analogy). That is what is happening to us as a country. What with mzee MOI running around like a person on fire declaring to all and sundry his sad state of despair. Knowing we will get what he fought so hard to keep out of our grasp and this is our chance to stick it to the old geyser!

I am not peddling hate speech or anything, am all for peace and love to all but this is our moment and our time to emancipate ourselves as a citizenry. To separate ourselves from the age of darkness that had threatened shrink our country to Somali status and I don't think I have time for one that wants us to stay oppressed.

And for those opposed, dawn is approaching and fast! Since they are like the mystical vampires that almost sucked us dry, They will shrivel and wither away as a new day rises resurrecting hope, faith, prosperity, love and tolerance in our country.

strip down

2010-07-21T12:51:00.000+03:00

I had to strip down the wallpaper (I knew y'all wouldn't mind). It was getting kinda drab there for a while.

Hope you like it. I am accommodating reforms to modify the new approach to life. Too much talking I know.

See you in a while. ;)

see

2010-07-16T11:45:00.001+03:00

Better be careful what u buy out there. You never really know do you? You've got to :watch!

lest u be presumptuous

2010-07-16T11:26:00.001+03:00

Hey guys,

I have been away (as u all know), but unfortunately the referendum campaign is getting hotter, I digress.

I won't lie to you. I have been a lazy slob and was experiencing a dry spell and no, I wasn't engaged in a secret affair that took up all my time and energy ;). Hopefully am back and better (yeah right). Missed the sphere quite a bit (what now?).

I now am incoherent since am still in a stupor (don't make assumptions)party!!. Am gonna stop right there before I make a bigger fool of myself and u for reading this. And no, Am not secretely married ;).

For the love of God 3

2010-03-22T21:28:00.001+03:00

WE got out of the car and as I took the keys from the ignition I got the strange notion that my hands were trembling, I couldn't help but wonder if it was the fear of what had happened or what I anticipated to happen next. Whatever it was I didn't like the feeling, not one bit. My aunt ran straight to the back of the homestead as I walked toward the front door albeit in an awkward manner since my father was standing in the doorway.

I went up the steps concocting a story. It all came to naught as I stood with him on level ground and panic once again took over. He was ~~talking~~, no, he seemed to be yelling or something of the sort and I started hearing him ranting about taking the car without notice and so on. When he was done ranting I explained myself and the circumstances preceding the events that had transpired and watched his face change from anger to bewilderment to shock to concern and to confusion in a matter of minutes. He didn't seem to have a problem after my explanation. I saw my mother coming towards us from the inner house and we had to do the whole narration again and she seemed the least bit bothered and announced that a snack was ready.

It wasn't a pleasant evening as some homophobe villagers came to voice their discontentment in the manner of my interference in their 'cleansing' ritual and all that bullock. The next day things seemed to be getting out of hand as villagers began taking sides and the elders asked us to leave politely before emotions ran high resulting in oversensualisation of the matter, much to the chagrin of my parents who nonetheless left with us the next day. The long drive home was silent except for the occasional expression of displeasure at the manner in which we left.

All along though my thought seemed focused on the fate of the young man. When we arrived back home the first thing I did was to call the pastor who I had met to en quire as to the fate of Charles. I was impressed and relieved to hear that he had made it into Nairobi the same evening we had left him at the church and that he was being housed for the time being in a safe-house. The alternative outcome was too horrid to consider as I went to bed later that night. I felt better knowing that some people somewhere were making a contribution to the cause no matter how small, they were still contributing. To them, my hat goes off in their honor. You are the unsung heroes in this struggle.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD II

2010-03-12T21:07:00.002+03:00

When he mentioned the local church I was lost for words as we made a quick turn. The smell was nauseating and I was almost panicking as he tried to awaken his friend.

We drew up the church's short driveway with my aunt getting off the car as if she was some tout. They carried him into the church as I watched in terror wondering if I had been too rush with my decision to be of assistance. I shrugged it off as I brusquely walked into the church.

The local pastor was bent over the victim dabbing him with antiseptic. He was groaning now (which was a good thing!!). The man we brought with us was now explaining that the villagers had found out that the victim was gay and they were in his own words: 'straightening him out'. His voice droned on as I drifted into thought of the repercussion of my intervention. I chided myself for my selfishness in not being able to see past my nose and the big picture of a life spared. Pastor Eric (that was his name) got on the phone and spoke in hushed tones. In ten minutes a lady dressed as a nurse appeared and attended to Charles (the victim), who was now seated upright drinking a glass of water and seemed to be lucid.

James (the Saviour) was also in a panic as to his fate. So far he had told us that Charles' jilted lover had sold him out as he had refused to continue their relationship. My young aunt seemed to be absorbing the details without regarding the graveness. Pastor Eric came over and thanked me for bringing Charles over and that This wasn't the first time such a situation had occurred, he proceeded into detail of past events of similarity as I drifted in and out wondering what next.

Cecilia the nurse gave a clean bill and I explained to the pastor that my aunt and I had to beg leave. As I went to bid this stranger fate had brought into my life, I had a feeling of despondency thinking that it could have been me on the church pew. The only thing that was different were the circumstances of our lives. I took the pastor's number with the intention of following up on the incident.

James feared to come along with us, and we left him behind. The pastor walked us to the car and bid us farewell. Strangely enough as we drove home in silence my fear abated and resolute confidence replaced it. I had made a difference in my own small way, and I had contributed though out of impulse than thought to the saving of Charles' life. I was sure nothing would make me regret my descision, nothing!

As we drove into my grandma's home the look on my father's face and his 'ready to pounce' stance changed my resolute confidence into a chilling fear...

For the love of God. 1

2010-02-23T18:29:00.001+03:00

For a good part of my hiatus, i went to my cultural home to brush off the toxicity of nairobism. While I was there, many events transpired, some downright funny and others just sad.

It was a lovely Thursday morning and after having a sumptous but heavy breakfast, I was basking out in the glorious kenyan sun when my 14 year old aunt came running through the gate in excitement.

I gestured her to come to where i was. My curiousity had gotten the best of me. She animatedly explained in detail the cause of her excitement. The expression on my face grew grave by the moment.

Since my mom was indoors I hurriedly grabbed the car keys and went out with my aunt. There were some youth attacking a twenty something man. After a heated debate that never terminated, we managed to confuse the crowd and disapppeared with him in the car. Another man had joined us and the victim was bleeding onto the car's upholstery and that was the least of my concern. The man was giving us directions to a place I last expected as the gravity of the matter sunk in on us all.

The smell of fresh blood filled the car. The victim was trying to say something when he passed out...

Esther estranged!

2010-02-19T09:46:00.001+03:00

I wouldnt really say I care much about what someone does to bungle up their lives, but Esther Arunga happens to have been dragged out into the glaring lenses of the media.

I found the report lacking in taste once again since it was pretty much a slander campaign or on the flipside a rather successful attempt at media coverage.

As regarding her family, I havent heard them say anything of the alleged estrangement. I personally have a soft spot for her personally (Blush, blush) . Guess the media is the medller it has always been, huh?

2010-02-19T01:14:00.001+03:00

Belated wishes.

2010-02-17T21:38:00.000+03:00

Though belated, i would like to wish my commrades: tammie, cuppatea and haute haiku a lovely and motivating blogirthday. (and yes, it is my word)

Thanx y'all for being this race and remember that all your efforts will come to bear fruit though not necessarily in the direct manner we would all prefer but in your own ways you are all my heroes in this struggle. Much love y'all!

He is back!!!!

2010-02-11T19:20:00.001+03:00

Am happy (sad for some!) to announce my timely return to blogosphere. I missed some of u and for lack of more to say.... I got some catching up to do...

FAME BUT UNFORTUNATELY NO FORTUNES

2009-10-25T21:00:00.001+03:00

It was a hell of week last week that it was!!! I tell you the fame made me gleeful with blatant disregard for the repercussions. From the Daily nations somewhat lukewarm attitude towards gay unions to the standard groups outright homophobic approach to the matter. Although I will cut the standard group some slack, it has been a dry spell what with a dwindling command of the market and downright failure to capture the target group. Don't mistake my sympathy as a condonement to their heinous actions. I mean, how do you hound down an old couple and ostracize them from the community they have lived with practically all their life. That was a low blow.

Most forums have been a buzz with the latest 'NATIONAL TRAGEDY' that is what some nitwit coined it regardless of all the actual tragedies besieging our country. On Friday the Standard's John Kariuki tried to explain the existence of homosexuality in the workplace. In a subtle but somewhat weak-hearted attempt he seemed to be telling people to get with the program and move on but I am taking a stance that we shouldn't move on as per se but we need to talk about this 'UNNATURAL UNAFRICAN AGAINST CHRISTIANITY' and all the other UN-prefixed words they have used to describe this so-called western vice. Ruth Lubembe's article in the Friday NATION was one that i took to since she tried to deal a blow to the gay-bashing media frenzy that had swept the nation's attention from more relevant issues.

Caroline Mutoko almost fell short of getting herself on the wrong side of the fence, though I did appreciate her tactful attempt at slowing down the gay-bashing parade. Meanwhile Bobby Brown accused my biggest icon of being a closeted bi-sexual to which I just had to sneer a little.

Most of the forums on both side of the divide seemed to be divided on what to say on the matter at hand and as I write this the citizen headlines seem to be keen on reviving the issue. Although I will mention that Tamaku was a bit pissed off to put it mildly at all the frenzy going around. I for one did enjoy the fact that it got so much attention. It is time we got ready for the rough road ahead. Our recognition aint gonna come by grace but by sacrifice from all quarters. I think we should be happy to shove the matter into the limelight otherwise we might as well keel over and pretend we are dead. We need to address the elephant in the room and if the only way to do that is to get negative publicity then let's look at it this way negative publicity is publicity all the same, we need to learn how to work it in our favor. Love you all and good week ahead. Mwah!!

older

2009-10-13T16:22:00.007+03:00

Last week happened to be my birthday, though I got presents, I got the rude shock of having my phone stolen(on the same day as my birthday!!!!WTF!!!!!!) On to more less/more(whichever one prefers) The Pulse in the Friday Standard newspaper's pathetic attempt at an expose on the gay scene. I honestly did not get the whole point of the piece I found it rather lacking in meaning not even considering that the press is supposed to be neutral!!

The funnier thing is that through a friend of mine we actually know them by name and the funny/shocking/good (again subject to preference) they weren't in the least bit jolted by the photos of them. In my last post, I talked about how I spent the last few weeks around them though I was not the least bit impressed by the article I can't really say the harm or goodwill intended therein was properly conveyed. Though most of us saw it coming and had all the details of the expository article before-hand. Maybe am just insane.

Am i crazy?

2009-10-05T16:20:00.001+03:00

Hey y'all. I missed you not that i was away but due to matters (read issues) that have hampered my energy flow or lack there off.

I have been looking for proof of any trace of intelligence in my age group. A friend said sharing sexuality does not equal friendship and i realised that in rather unorthodox way. By the by what happens to java with all their problems, but i digress. As i was blubbering on, i am yet to find a trace of sensibility in my age bracket.

I did indicate i would find myself a social life (fat chance!). I went about this and trust me i am willing to hermitise (am not sure the word exists) myself.

Scenario I: we go to some place where those voltures hang out. After one hour guess what i see? I see a group coming and something is off about them, it takes me a second to figure it out.

They are an eyesore! from the outrageously low cut denims to the dangling earrings to the downright hideous shirts, whoever said gays had a knack for fashion hadnt been to nairobi. Eurgh!

Scenario II: a conversation ensues and the garbage spewing out of their oral cavities is gut wrenching! from meaningless gossip of who screwed whose father to things that traumatise me just thinking about!

I just have a question to which i need a response soon enough before ground bottom nears further. Are there any intelligent gay people below 30 and before you think it, the answer is no, i am not looking for a relationship. Not now with the dumb-asses am seeing around. No-siree-no!

Confusion

2009-09-09T20:42:00.001+03:00

I think the effect of my greek holiday has worn off! I am getting agitated by the smallest things. I think if i had a shrink at present i would be a disappointment.

I know am becoming retrogressive, i thought i was over moping! On friday night we had an outing with my friends and i was loathe not to notice my glaring solitude. They were in pairs but urs truly was flying solo and tusker malt took me through the night though begrudgingly!

I am not going to blame my being gay and use it as an excuse to be a drunkard. I have had the luck of seeing what alcohol can do to people and it aint pretty!!

I am not really moonstruck as many would love to think. My best friend actually left for further studies and it doesnt help my other good friend happens to be a bit busy and am not gonna cry over it, but i think my emotions are getting bottled up to toxic levels! Aaargh! i am thinking of screaming real loud then i remember that my problems aint common place. I am at a point where am angry at everyone. I think am tired of playing charades. My resilience is becoming putrescible to put it mildly. I guess rock bottom is nearing at an alarming velocity.

Phew!

2009-08-14T02:54:00.001+03:00

I must say i missed y'all very much! I came back to the sad news of pater's unexpected exit from blogosphere, i truly will miss him.

I must say that i am changing my best city to athens. The weather was to die for and the men, well, i won't even go there damn!
Oh! how mannerless of me! forgive my manners. We (mum and i) as usual had gone to greece for a two week holiday to get our minds off things. She was a great holiday mate! unbelievably!

I hope i didn't miss much though i was rather disturbed to hear of MJ's preferences from GNM's blog. Whoa!

Gotta go get my beauty sleep (as if!) bye for now.

rumplesteltskin

2009-07-15T12:15:00.002+03:00

The heading of this post is enough and I thought of leaving it at that. I am confused so don't expect this post to make sense. I may have found out my mistake. In my hurriedness to 'realize myself', I was setting myself up for a fall unintentionally or not. Oh! Am addressing the feeling of realising I was the 'other' guy. I was pissed at first and I thought wtf! As I was planning on a course of action that was going to get me retribution I found what I was looking for in a very unlikely place which am not at liberty to discuss.

I actually found a person who shares my interests and as usual has an attitude to boot. Am talking about my new found friend (and no, he isn't imaginary!). We all think we should always have a significant other but I am disagreeing with that notion I think sometimes we just need to slow down and build ourselves before we merge into a relationship that just drains away the little self we have built in us. A significant other is not always the answer yet we succeed in telling ourselves that we do need them. Although am not saying one shouldn't have them but one should do so when they themselves have built up an identity and personality that will be strong enough to survive a relationship whether it succeeds or not otherwise we may be setting ourselves up for a fall that may not only plunder our emotional life but other aspects of our lives that we were not ready to lose. I actually sat myself down and evaluated what had just happened and I realised that in my hurry to be in a relationship I had overlooked myself and I was stringing someone along for a ride they hadn't bargained for and I would have ended up wrecking up more people than myself.

I am of the opinion that some things in life will come and find us wherever we are we just shouldn't put our lives on hold or in some crazy rat race for something we really have no influence over. But in the instance we try to influence these aspects the results are more than not usually catastrophic. A friend is sometimes all we need to keep sane and in control of our life. Do have a lovely day.

heart break

2009-07-03T13:38:00.002+03:00

I have been in limbo for quite a while and am not entirely sure am still breathing. I have no idea what am doing at all. As I write this am not sane I have had a harrowing week. I wouldn't really know where to begin narrating so I won't bore you with the horrid details of a heart break am working hard to forget!!!!
It is official that I am not having a love-life anytime in the near future. The betrayal is something I never saw coming but i guess am the better for learning how to smell one a mile off!!
Fuck him!!!!!!
Moving swiftly to more worthwhile things, I thought that Caroline's radio show yesterday was to say the least hilarious to me. I never thought I would wake up to the self proclaimed king of porn on a morning show and more to the fact that our kenyan actors are volunteers and aren't paid. I can't wait for the king's book coming out in two weeks. I can't wait because he claims he will name some of the members of club 222 who are his ever loyal clients!!!! I hope they were listening.

heart break

2009-07-03T13:18:00.001+03:00

picture=1000 words

Evil

2009-06-12T13:38:00.001+03:00

It is damn hot and as usual, anyone working is so sweating!!!

It has been a long time but the temptation is overwhelming! Ok, am talking about our three week old grounds maintenance man.

I repeat it is wrong, watching his ripped muscles glistening in his sweat! OMG! Why did he have to take off his shirt!! Damn it!

She's back!

2009-06-10T17:09:00.000+03:00

OMG! call me backward or whatever you may but i absofuckinlutely loved Brenda. She is back on the scene and now we have people who sing the good old-fashioned way using their voice!!!

Atrocious

2009-06-08T17:12:00.000+03:00

I am upset i never saw my knight in shining amour this weekend, damn their boss!

One may regard me to be making a mountaing out of an anthill. Anyway whichever the case, family tv a station i had once respected is going to air a program claiming homosexuality is a mindset. It does not help the guy they are in cohorts with 'claims' that he was gay then he switched back.

He then goes on to suggest that our kind are such lecherous people that we are sinking to new lows of recruiting new gays! Absurd to the least! They just fell short of claiming that there is a 'gay agenda' . I for one don't remember being 'recruited'!

Well I will stop there though i doubt I will watch the programme. For those who are interested in finding out how much propaganda they spew out you can catch the show today at 10pm on family tv.

To family media in my scanty knowledge of the bible i recall 1 John 4:7-21. Has said enough about love, yet i find it unbelievable that this show is going to encourage love amongst your viewers and the queers you are trying to paint as 'Evil'. Am dissapointed and plus the gay agenda is so last century! i would say something indecent but...you are not worth my salt. Take a hike!!!

lovestruck

2009-06-04T01:29:00.003+03:00

I had it all planned out, I was to wait for a couple of years before committing myself to a relationship. Oh yes the plans were down to time details but little did I know that the best laid plans are for rats!

I usually think myself a person full of self-control (yeah right!) and focus. I had just gotten over moping my recent episode of closure and it was a Friday so I thought to myself: what the heck! am too young to be mopey! I finally tell someone who contacted me from some weird site (whom I had no intention of even conversing with let alone see!) to meet up with me at some joint in town.

As I drink my tusker malt (hurray for being over eighteen) actually four malts later the guy shows up and I think to myself: this should be fast! But boy was I in for a shocker! Ok! I love dreadlocks on someone since i won't ever I mean ever get them so long as am the son of my mum! Meanwhile I was watching him from the entrance,my phone rings and I gesture from the bar and he comes over all the while I keep running the following day's troubles that would besiege me. He sits on the stool next to mine but luckily am not hyperventilating since the alcohol was starting to clog my responses (i consider myself a light drinker).

When the guy started talking all my head kept hearing was the peal of wedding bells, then I thought to myself what the fcuk am I thinking about. All this time I kept on nodding to what he was saying without listening!He was saying something about how he had had a boring day at work. I started the ball rolling and told him about my drab life and my steely resolve to stay single and then I zoned out on him and all I could think was how much time I would take to reach the nearest exit.

After what seemed like eternity I don't really know what changed but I broke into a pathetic blubbering fool. We shifted topics to the kenyan deplorable gay scene and we got to talking of failed relationships in both our pasts. As we talked, a warm sensation stirred within me I never deemed it possible that I would have such mushy feelings.

We left the place at two in the morning and went to his place since our home was too far and I reaked of alcohol. We got to his place and I poured out my sordid life story to this stranger whom I thought must think me mad! He then told me his life story which wasn't so rosy as one would assume.

I don't really know what bit the other but I ended up weeping (I am sensitive like that). When he reached across and held my hand in his soft hands I lost all sense of reason, there was a long lip lock of which I know not who initiated. It was awkward after that but I didn't really care anymore and before your dirty little minds think it no further exploration transpired! We talked a bit more and we slept together cuddled and nothing more.

Morning came then disaster struck!

Sigh!

2009-05-28T14:48:00.001+03:00

Since last saturday after 'the talk' i was gloomy and indoors. I have drank so many varieties of knorr soups i ought to get a free year's supply.

My mum was naturally worried and i told her we had broken up and this earned me mileage in my hidden identity.

She (linda) called me on tuesday and we talked for a bit before slumping back to my droopy self. After she hang-up my mind still tormented me as to why was i being so inconsiderate. The weather wasn't doing me any good since it resonated my mood. As i write this it is still cold and grey outside. I haven't left the house for quite a while now and i am thinking of going out tomorrow night but i shoot down the idea since am still not that clear minded as yet!

I am going to find myself my significant other and i am in no hurry at all. Heck! I have my whole life ahead of me! Plus i am not hiding anymore and i am not accountable to anyone apart from myself. There is peace to loving and accepting myself. What happened last Saturday served to strengthen me maybe in a way not apparent to me as yet. But all the same, no amount of gay-bashing or someone's own homophobia will make me ever resent myself, that is one mistake i won't repeat again. No, never.

Closure: part 2

2009-05-26T22:05:00.001+03:00

She sat down opposite me and the pain resonated throughout my whole being. I kept asking myself what and how was i supposed to tell her. She started talking about how her fifteen minute ride to town had been eventful. All the while i was partially listening while thinking up a myriad of falsehoods i could use to hoodwink her.

Even with all the turmoil within me i still regarded her as one i would trust with my life (literally!). I took her hand in mine and gave her the necklace and matching bracelet i had bought her. She was overcome and actualy leaned over and gave me a kiss. This made me think i was mad to do this to someone who had loved me and stayed with me for so long! Just then the harsh reality struck and i knew i had to release her from this jail i held her in.

The waitress took her order i didn't give any since i was in no mood to eat not with what i had in mind at least. I engaged her in small talk as she finished her food and i took the last gulp of my now cold cappuccino. I knew the daunting task ahead of me.

She asked me what was wrong with me since i didn't eat and was looking downcast. I looked straight into her eyes and saw the guilt in mine. In a moment of weakness i almost told her i was gay, but i quickly held back my tongue. I was starting to choke with tears. I was talking but no words were coming out. She was staring at me with an expression of bewilderment. I knew i owed her this. I don't know how but i told her we couldn't work and that i was not seeing another person. My cheek was ready for a slap or my ears for a shouting match. I didn't protect myself because i knew i deserved at least as much!

What she did to me shaked me to the core, she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said she understood we needed time out and that she would wait it out. I couldn't fathom her kindness toward me. By now all the staff and some diners were staring at us probably thinking we were high! if i was a hetero-male i would have been elated but it was wasted on me. As we left the cafe i felt a tad bit lighter but it was mainly because i knew i had a true friend in her which was way more than i could ask for. I still wanted to blurt out that i was gay but decided not to push my luck. I had taken a step forward in accepting who i was and becoming at ease with myself and my future.

Closure: part 1

2009-05-26T00:29:00.001+03:00

It was a long time coming. I knew it had to happen the only question was when.

This was a long weekend and i got into it with a pensive mood. I was seated at a cafe staring out the window watching people go by waiting for my so-called girlfriend. To tell the truth i just like her like a sister. She had held my closet door through a lot of the closet conundrums i had gone through. Back to the present, i had just bought a beautiful necklace from enka-rasha and this cost me a packet.

So as i sit there sipping my cappuchino i can't help but feel guilty. This girl had been nothing short of perfect, yet i stringed her along knowing fully well that i couldn't give her what she wanted. I despised myself for doing that to such a lovely person.

My train of thought was derailed when my phone rang and it was her. I smiled and picked it, she was in town and was confirming which cafe i was in. It didn't take long and there she was at the door. I gestured to her to come over to where i was seated and she flashed me the smile that had drawn me to her six years ago. There was a sharp pain in my chest... To be continued.

Laxity

2009-05-18T00:48:00.003+03:00

I had a fabulous weekend...ok, ok! i will tell the truth! i had a normal weekend, save for two major ups on saturday... Yeeih!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand: i was perusing through the daily nation...Oh! if you don't read you may not have been aware.
Dr. Chris Hart's article 'A different life is in the genes'. It had quite a scientific twist to it. The gist of the article was that contrary to what most homophobics argue, the queer gene is actually existent! I don't really know why but i was elated to see that east africa's biggest media house would let an article defending homosexuality see the light of day. Double yeeih!! But then following the story i realised that our kenyan culture was negating it's goal to anihilate gays! The article argued that the more gay/Bisexuals copulated with women, the more gay people sprout. Could we be increasing due to our predecessors efforts to look 'normal' (note the marks!) to the rest of the uneducated community?As to whether to laugh at the community for defeating themselves in an effort to defeat the gay phenomenom or not, I wonder...hmmm...

Crawl before walking let alone running.

2009-05-15T18:46:00.000+03:00

As i write i remember am having loads of ideas but they arent fully formed.

I as a the gay youth i am have a quarrel to pick with our so-called gay activists. We all (the gay community, if it does exist!) keep complainin that we are not being allowed integration into the fabric of the african society.

I have sat back and thought long and hard about this. I am clearly stating that these are my views and you are allowed your own.

It is common knowledge that when you want to culture a practice into an individual you do it at the youngest age possible. No matter how much money gets poured into our activists's kitty, no matter how we bloggers shout at the rooftops, no matter how abrasive our advocaters become, this is a war we will surely lose and if by some miracle victory is attained, it will surely be a pyrrhic victory.

Walk with me on this one: i am not oblivious to the fact that some paranoid people have been alleging that there is a gay agenda which to date i have no evidence of. As one can decipher from my blog, am almost twenty. I am against legalisation of homosexuality in kenya but not for the normal clandestine reason that people prefer illegal encounters as they are more thrilling. Mine is a different path all together. I assume that 18 years by law is old enough to make a mature decision. If at all the so called GALCK (of which i have no knowledge of save from heresay, never mind the fact am gay!) had the time to sit down and monitor their progress (if any!) they would notice it was minute. That is because by the time i was 15 i knew i was 'different'. By the time i was 18 i almost had a feeling of self loathing. At 18 some sort of method should be in place to show them that it is not a perversion but rather a part of them. The main aim here is to give us self confidence on who we are inside and not our sexuality to define our future. I am saying this because someone did this for me and though he may not know it, what the guy did for me, to me was nothing short of a miracle and am not exaggerating! (Hats off to him n God bless him) it got me thinking what if every other person like me was so lucky? wouldnt it make us proud to be who we are? Most of us never get out to our family and friends because we are not happy with ourselves. Before we set our sights on legalisation, we first need to build a base in the form of youth who are proud of who they are. The western countries we see legalise it had to go through this first. When the youth are proud of themselves, they will be able to come out to their family and friends this will have a remarkable butterfly effect on stemming this monstrosity we call homophobia. So the next time we want homosexuality legalised, let us remember we need to learn that we can't start running without learning to walk let alone learning to crawl! Do have a lovely weekend as we mark May 17th, wontcha?

Look out!!

2009-05-07T17:36:00.001+03:00

The setting: home
The characters: me n mom
The bone of contention: the usual.

As usual my life till now has no major social inclination. So as usual am wid mom since she prefers me to drive her.

We go back home as usual mom has no particular thing on her mind. I go into my room and take off my jeans trouser and begin to fold it when there is a sudden knock on the door.

I hurriedly put on shorts and say "come in". My mother comes in with a worried look on her face. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me to sit down. By now am naturally in partial shock. I sit down.

She starts by askin me if there is anything i wanna tell her. Right then i knew she had connected the long internet hours, lack of in my rarely mentioned but existent girl friend. My blood was racing into all the wrong places. The room seemed to take on a life-form of its own. My eyes welled up and my mother knew my usual resilient self couldnt take another blow. She silently stood up and told me to tell her whenever i felt i was 'ready'. I knew that she wasnt really sure as to whether or not i was what she thought because trust me when my mother is sure she will move in with the ferocity of a tiger.

I may have bought myself time but am not sure for how long though. I am thinking of running for the hills but where to? Am runnin out of lives but what to do? I may have to take matters into my hands...

My oh my!

2009-05-05T11:10:00.001+03:00

I was just bored out of my skull and ended up reading the newspaper. What i saw was quiet unsettling. While it is true i knew male prostitutes existed, imagine one of the gay ones had the nerve to disrupt a whole club in town to claim unserviced debts to a usual male customer of his.

After kicking up a storm and finding the 'client' was not in a stable financial position, he made off with his cellie.

I posted this for one reason or blind glee. One may interpret it in many a way. But as usual i chose the most optimistic one: look at it this way, the patrons of the club got to know they were gay and didnt spark off some homophobic reaction. This was very encouraging for me coz they treated it with the dignity it deserved. They left them to their domestic issues. To cut the crap it showed that though long overdue homophobia is coming to an end in one of the most cosmopolitan cities. If only my parents would follow suit. Oh how i wish. Dreams... Dreams...

nightmare!

2009-05-02T04:08:00.000+03:00

I know what you are thinking: what am I doing at 4 in the morning awake and trembling like a leaf? I had a dream that has recurred severally.
In my dream I get acquainted through some miraculous way to some people of my orientation. All goes well and is well under wraps but I forget the saying that it's not over till the fat lady sings. In the motions of that life I find a good friend and as most Hollywood crap would have you believe we fall in love and live happily ever after(yeah right!) Instead while we are at some place not clearly defined one thing leads to another and we start getting all mushy inside and start cuddling then all hell breaks loose!
My parents (out of god knows where!) decide to show up unannounced we scamper to our feet and as is expected I push him away having that offended look (the:who are you and what are you doing with me one, yes, that one!!) My mother stares in shock then to disbelief then downright contemptuous anger. I then wish the earth could swallow me my 'friend' and I start offering all kinds of moronic excuses: I don't know what got over me and all that sh*t!
Out of nowhere my father comes into the scene with a good ol' shotgun and believe me he is more than trigger friendly even more than our good ol' boys in blue would ever be. We run out and to our shock all the people I struggled to keep the secret from are there! I am swearing and running and crying all at the same time with the shotgun firing loudly behind us. In a fraction of a second my dear friend jumps in front of me and takes on for me and he falls motionless to the ground. all else around me goes silent as I kneel not knowing whether to feel responsible for the death or to be shocked my own father was going to shoot me in cold-blood!!!!!!!!!!
As I stare through tear-clouded eyes at my dying companion helpless with no one to come to my aid I start screaming and wake up to find myself in bed sweating and making a small noise (cliche I know). As I lay awake there on my bed the sadness and the brutal reality of that dream becomes a tangible fear almost choking. I wish I would die but then again I tell myself we've been through this and I can't change what I am. I walk to the computer knowing that is a war I may not be so lucky to win but I let it rest to the very last inevitable moment.
I dunno why I am writing this here but I guess it is a feeling of security knowing I can write what I feel without fear of victimization for I know there are others out here and yonder like myself with a caring heart. I love you all and take care out there... for you never know the time nor the place thou shalt be stricken by my idiotic, narrow-minded, barbaric, myopic and tunnel visioned homophobes !#@$^$*!!!! Forgive my abuses but it was just in the spirit of letting it all out.

Just in the nick of time.

2009-04-30T19:35:00.001+03:00

A bloody incessant headache has been getting the better part of me for three weeks now.
after much pushing and shoving i found myself in hospital haemorraging money just for being seen. Finally i get to the doctor and i lay it flat for him: my parents want me here so get it over with already!
Well as it turns out i have what they gave some fancy medical term but cutting thru the crap all he meant to say was i am stressed hence the headache.
He starts small-talking me and sympathetic(yeah right!) me throws him some rope to compliment his efforts. Then the tears stung and i knew it was tyme to stop the words almost came rushing out of my mouth and i had to literally hold my mouth lest i give myself away. Come to think about it i wanted to confide in someone this secret tearing me up inside but i became the wiser and decided to wait for the right time...and person. Yes a time would come when to. All the while i told the doctor i was choking up with tears because i wanted to wretch. I went back home a wreck in tears thank God my parents had the decency to tint the car though i almost ran over someone and if by some wierd reason you read this sorry once again.

Solitude,laments, lovelorn. Desperate

2009-04-30T00:51:00.001+03:00

Am.....well, to put it mildly, stressed beyond belief! Aaaargh! for how long will i have 2 bear this facade? am a dying man. Being young and gay is a timebomb. I have tried supression, denial n all hav comd to naught! i just cant imagine telling anyone am gay! my life is a lonely shell as every moment going by means am getting weaker am forced to have a girlfriend that i dnt want dnt need n dnt know what to do with 1 coz i wont perform and that may unleash a beast am not yet ready to deal with.
I truly do envy the gay frats working and livin their lives. Unfortunately for me, am trapped with no friends as the 'friends' (note the marks!) cant and will neva understand me and my predisposition. Am torn into shreds. Looking at me from the outside you may neva know the torment i face. For all you know you may have seen me on the street and thot i was smiling coz i was happy but it aint so for me. I still continue in this lyfe hoping, praying, waiting for a friend not necessarily a lover but perhaps a friend to walk with me through this dreary path that is seldom trodden. I look yonder and wish upon a star for that person(s) that will hold my hand in a storm and whisper to my ear it will be okay. Oh i await with bated breath! oh how i wish.
Meanwhile, till then i must bear the cross that is nt of thine own desire but that of a far much greater cause. Surely, am not alone in this? is there no sympathy for them that are not guilty. Is there no respite! save me from depression! is there no saviour for my suffering?

Religion, banishment

2009-04-27T01:05:00.000+03:00

It is sunday and as usual am dragged off to church. All through the sermon am asking do gays go to church or are we a banished race?

Stardust

2009-04-26T01:01:00.001+03:00

Well well well! lookie here. Wtf? anotha queer kenyan blogger! just when you were rationalising your conscience and thinking the queerfolk generation were dying out... Look again coz oops! You missed a spot! I know it pains but just you wait and see as i grow into the biggest pain ever witnessed in the muddled mess that is the fabric of the kenyan society.
Enough with the empty threats already. It is time 2 let the gay youth of kenya have a voice! Dah!
Oh! before i forget, don't hate am too young for that. Oh, yeah and another thing am new but i guess you figured it out already(if u are smart that is)